The MOST Intelligent Person on (at least) Earth

Over the last three years of my stay in Bangalore, I have come to realize that I am a highly intelligent and potent sample of the species Homo sapiens. This is the only logical explanation to what has been bugging me all this time; Phlegm.

My nose has been exuding huge dollops of phlegm continuously for the last seven days. This has been a recurrent event throughout my life, sometimes occurring randomly and mostly when I’m trying to impress a girl.

It obscures the clarity and coherence of my thoughts, just the thing a rival country or species from another planet would have wanted. Otherwise, owing to my intelligence and potency, I would have solved all of the problems of humanity. So, phlegm was planted in my body to prevent me from using my intelligence to its fullest – a perfectly reasonable and mostly logical conclusion.

Given below are my phlegm’s properties:

• It’s huge. It grows and occurs in huge dollops.

• It’s not tasteless. It tastes awful.

• It is not odourless. It smells awful.

• It’s not colourless. It’s coloured awful. If there can ever be a general consensus on an awful colour, the awful colour would be the colour of my phlegm.

• It’s thick.

• It’s very thick.

• It’s mind-bogglingly very thick.

• It’s stubborn.

• It’s very stubborn.

• It’s not mind-bogglingly very stubborn, though. It could, however, pass as mind-bogglingly stubborn.

• It has no evaporating point. It does not evaporate. It stays. Forever.

• It’s highly viscous. It could stay put and party in my nose and breathing tract forever sans my body’s efforts to dispel it. Maybe it plays cards all this while in my breathing tract, or does something else to while away all the time (like composing songs for the Indian Coke Studio or drafting US economic policy).

• It self-replicates/reproduces vigorously in my body. Research is underway to replace guinea pigs with my phlegm.

• It was rumoured that Iraq was studying my phlegm to create biological weapons.

• It’s a lot like love. It make one breathless. It makes one stammer. It seems to attempt to fill every void/pore/empty-tract of my body. One can get it from another.

• It’s very irritating. If irritation could be condensed into tangible matter, phlegm would be the result.

• It’s absolutely useless. For example, it can not produce electricity. Otherwise, I could have used myself to charge my laptop. In the process, I would have saved a tree or two, much to Rajendra Pachauri’s delight.

• It’s an obnoxious little twit, much like the HR folks.

• Finally, and oh-so-frustratingly, it’s inescapable. Again, much like the HR folks.

Eff You Phlegm. May you rot in Splitsvilla, or a Paris Hilton's leaked video. Forever.